You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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