my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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