I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
