i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
there is glitter all over my balls
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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