My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
