call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
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Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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