so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
