I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
