There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
