Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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