if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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