I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
