Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
