i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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