You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
