Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
