My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
