how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The dick lei will go down in squad history
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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