3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
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she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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