I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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