The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
