I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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