Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
