Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
