I feel great
I just peed on a car
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
