I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I look better un-naked...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
