I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
