who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
