there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
