I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
