I think I died a long time ago.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
