"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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