Girls should come with a carfax report
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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