your parents love me but you hate me
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
