my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
