Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
