wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
