Did you just see the Batmobile???
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
