he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
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We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
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Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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