Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
