the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
