I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
