Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
