whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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