every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
