I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
