this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Randomize
