Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
