I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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