I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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