Ambien. No doubt about it.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
