hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
