i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
