Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
